1 Reminder for How to Deliver Tough Feedback with Ease

When delivering feedback, remember to advocate for the person to whom you are giving the feedback.

So often, we are frustrated with someone or we are a bit nervous about delivering challenging feedback, that we forget that the point of the feedback is to help the person grow.

Often, when delivering feedback, I will explicitly say to the person that I care about them and that I’m sharing these things with them with the intent that it enables them to grow.

I’ve found this to be massively resourceful and creates better outcomes in these types of conversations.

2 Books to Read this Holiday Season

If you know me at all, I love to recommend books. I love reading. I love sharing books that move me.

This past year, I read 2 books that changed my perspective on the world quite dramatically.

Both of the books I recommend here are written by people who, respectively, had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. One with stomach cancer, the other with brain cancer.

I chose to read the books because I wanted to see the perspective of people who knew they had a certain time left to live. I was intrigued.

I was not disappointed. Both books changed me.

Note: Both are emotional books, as you can imagine. They will most likely make you want to hug your loved ones and soak up life’s moments.

The Keys Were There The Entire Time

When I’m talking with someone, whether at a dinner party or with a client - I often see things with the following approach. I find this approach really fun and interesting.

I assume that the person I am speaking with has a future in mind that would really excite them beyond their wildest imagination.

I also assume, that to some degree, that future is happening, and to some degree, it is not happening.

Sometimes I visualize that the person has locked themselves in a prison cell and has dropped the keys, yet somehow forgotten that the keys are laying there on the ground. (At any point, they could pick them up and let themselves out).

But for some reason, I find that people struggle to let themselves out.

The prison cell provides a bit of a comfort zone.

Picking up the keys and letting oneself out comes with responsibility.

And often, I think I am in conversations with people to remind them that they have the courage to leave the prison cell.

Because I hope you are there to remind me of the same.

The Dark Thought, The Shame, The Malice...

I came across this poem from Rumi recently and wanted to share it here with a few thoughts:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jalaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)

__________

My favorite part of the poem is when he tells us to “meet them at the door laughing…” - the dark thought, the shame, the malice.

In just the past year or so, I have learned that it is possible to honor, to respect, and even to laugh at the dark thoughts that come through us. Previously, I’d often be paralyzed by the shame and the malice.

I’m created systems in my life to now honor these things. To sit with them. To respect them.

When I do this, I find they have less of a control over me.

And I’m more free.

Coaching In Action: What to do with a Broken Egg

The other day I was on a coaching call with a client.

When she got on the call - she was in a frustrated place with many things at work. Her boss. Coworkers. The workload. Working nights and weekends. Exhaustion.

I invited her to slow down and to begin to look at things from 30,000 feet.

I asked her if she’d be willing to just look at things as they are and to “try on” seeing it from the perspective that she created things to be just as they are now. All the exhaustion and franticness.

She was more than willing to do that. She was so curious.

High performers often struggle with these types of things. They execute themselves into exhaustion. Note: She is by far the highest performer currently on her team.

As she was looking at how frantic she gets and the chaos she creates and how that creates unnecessary exhaustion - she noticed something.

She noticed that when she is making eggs and the yoke breaks - she doesn’t give a rip. But for her boyfriend - if he breaks the yoke he panics and gets super frustrated.

To which I said - “Sounds like you with your job.”

She paused. “God damnit!” she said as she began to laugh.

She continued “So often I get on our coaching calls and I don’t know where they are going to go but all that I know is you somehow ask the questions that help me get out of my own way and I usually end up laughing at and with myself and the day looks so much brighter. Thank you.”

We leaned in a bit more and discussed how exhausting it is to be constantly frustrated all day - and how that was contributing not only to her frustration at work during the day - but also how it contributed to her working on nights and weekends.

How about you? Where are you getting upset about the egg yoke breaking? What is it costing you?