When speaking about personality types, including the Enneagram, I find it helpful to say “I resonate most with the characteristics of an Enneagram 7” rather than “I am a 7.” (I know it seems like a mouthful to say - but I think it is worth it to separate ourselves from the tendency to box ourselves and others in).
It allows us the opportunity to be more curious.
As a challenge - experiment with talking about your Enneagram number (or MBTI) without using the number itself.
Over the past 10 years of coaching people - I have seen a number of trends and patterns that people come up against.
One of them is this: people really struggle to say “no.”
And as a result of this - they say “yes” to too many things, which results in:
Extra hours at work
Getting home late
Being exhausted
Saying yes to helping friends with everything from moving to watching their dog to you name it (none of these are bad things in themselves - just when they come at the cost of your sanity)
Their families being frustrated
Their kids getting less quality time with their parents
Decreased productivity
Less income due to decreased productivity and exhaustion
Being frustrated and taking it out on those around you
Less time for “thinking” and becoming a better leader who delegates well rather than saying yes to everything
All of this comes because we can’t say “no.”
If you want to learn to say “no” more effectively and start removing the above list from your life - let’s talk. I coach people around this all the time. If I happen to be full with clients - I can refer you to a colleague who can help with this.
My Grandpa Don and I hanging out in his camper near South Twin Lake in Minnesota
As I get started - I want you to think back on your life and think of a couple of moments when you remember smiling. And I’m talking about an uncontainable smile. That smile that just flowed out of you effortlessly as your soul experienced great joy.
I remember one time back in 1988 our family of 5 made the drive from Phoenix, AZ all the way to Ada, MN to visit our grandparents. Over 1,600 miles and 26 hours of driving in our 1985 2-door Gold Buick Somerset with chrome seatbelt buckles. Which could singe off a layer of skin in those Arizona summers. I have no idea who would create a care in Arizona with chrome seat belt buckles.
This was back before cell phones. Before handheld video game devices. It was a long 26 hours.
When we were about 3 blocks away from arriving at our grandparents house - I remember my parents had this idea. You see, we had one of those old bike racks on the back and we had our bikes attached to it and my parents asked if my brother, sister, and I wanted to get off and ride the last 3 blocks.
I’m an Enneagram 7 and an ENFP and so I was like, Yes, this is a VERY good idea.
So, we stopped and pulled over by the baseball field in the small town of 1700 people - Ada, MN. We got our bikes off the bike rack and off we went.
I had no idea at the time that one of the most unexpectedly influential moments of my life was about to happen.
So we get on our bikes and I don’t even need to warm up, I am ready to go. Enneagram 7’s are always ready.
I get on that thing and my legs are ready like lance Armstrong on steroids.
I go absolutely just ripping around each corner of all 3 of those blocks and I come ripping around the corner and into the driveway of my grandparents.
And for me, this is where time began to stand still.
Something happened in this moment and I can’t quite explain it.
You see, when I came around the corner and into the driveway - I noticed that my grandpa was standing there in the driveway.
And as I got closer and time began to slow down - something unexpected occurred to me. And it is probably not what you think. And it might not seem like a big deal to you. But to me, it was huge.
My grandpa had this smile on his face. And I will do my best to describe it, although I won’t be able to do it justice.
The best I can do is metaphor - it was like a bunch of smile’s rolled into one
You know...The smile of an infant…you know…when the child doesn’t quite seem to know what they are smiling about but a smile just seems to jump out from within their soul as you make faces and ridiculous noises at them...
The smile of a husband as he sees his bride down the aisle for the first time
The smile of a that person you know who is grateful for so many things…from a warm bed to sleep in to sunrises to business successes
The smile of a grandfather who was so delighted in his grandson just because of who he was
Yeah…all those smile rolled into one.
I don’t know why this moment stood out to me so much. I remember the moment happening, and then I hopped off my bike, gave him a hug and then ran off into the house to say hi to my grandma who undoubtedly had freshly baked cookies waiting for me.
The best thing I can say about the moment is that there was this purity in my grandpa’s smile.
And that day, I learned a few things.
I remember feeling what it felt like to be loved, just for who I was.
But I learned something more than that. I learned what joy looked like. I learned what it means to be able to look at someone, at anyone…from your spouse to your parents to your kids to the barista to the waiter/waitress to the flight attendant…
I learned what it looked like to choose to see others with this look of pure joy on my face.
And I learned what impact that just might have on another person.
I doubt my grandpa ever knew what a difference this moment made for me. He passed away in 1995 from cancer and I didn’t realize the impact of this moment until around 2008. That’s the way life is sometimes. You never know how much of a difference you can make with your life. But you can choose to look joyfully at the world as my grandpa did.
You just never know who might be looking back at you.
And how it might heal their soul 10-20 years later.
NOTE: I discovered this story in 2008 when I was going through a particularly difficult time. I was living in Berkeley, CA at the time and went back to Los Angeles to visit some friends. While I was in LA - I had known a friend of a friend named Charity (and her husband John) who were know as people who prayed for people and it would often result in people hearing God’s voice in their lives. I was really struggling at the time and felt quite distant from a lot of things, including God. I felt the most alone I have ever felt in my life. So I went over to visit Charity and John and have them pray for me. While we were praying, I was hearing nothing. And I was getting so frustrated. We prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing. I was about to give up when, as we were praying - John asked me to think of the word joy and just see what comes up. The story above about my grandpa came to mind but my mind was like “that can’t be it…what does that story have to do with anything?” - John encouraged me to share with them what was coming up and as I began to share the story - I broke down. Turns out this was exactly what God was trying to say to me - David - you are wonderful for who you are, not what you do - this is the true source of joy.
In my experience, so many people seem to conveniently avoid answering the following question in a clear and fully intentional way (being honest with themselves about the dreams within):
What is something you want in your life that you don’t currently have?
And I sat and I wondered why this is the case. What is it about this question that people fear?
Here is my best shot so far:
I think people avoid it because once we take ownership of the dreams within us and develop the dreams into a vision and goals - we then expose that there is a gap between here and there. And that gap is full of risks that would be required in order to close the gap.
And, assuming we aren’t willing to take those risks, having a clear vision with clear risks exposes our cowardice and unwillingness to go for it.
And we simply don’t want to look at the areas we are being cowards in our lives.
And so we numb out by not getting clear on our vision and instead fill our world with every distraction imaginable.
The crazy thing is this - even though we aren’t willing to look at the cowardice - we still have this sense…this knowing that it is there.
Will we ever take ownership of it? And by doing so, lessen its power over us and begin to really dream again?
A quick video about the basics of the approach I utilize when I coach people.
