Authenticity is something that is earned by, you guessed it - being authentic.
Authentic relationships seem to be the thing that so many people want, yet aren’t willing to put in the work to bring them to life.
Why is it that we fear being authentic with people in our lives? Why do we fear saying what is true for us in different scenarios?
Let’s start with my current working definition of authenticity, or my “Authenticity Guidelines” if you will:
Authenticity is...
Speaking your truth
Speaking your truth in line with a vision of having authentic relationships
Speaking your truth, even when it is uncomfortable
Speaking your truth with an immense amount of love
Speaking your truth while remaining open-minded and curious
Speaking your truth while being willing to be at least 1% inaccurate about your perspective
Speaking your truth (and listening) with a focus on gaining clarity
With these guidelines in mind, I recently became aware of how often I tend to be inauthentic.
A couple of months ago, I had an interaction with a dear friend of mine. During that conversation, my friend said something that I immediately made up a story about, and my feelings were hurt. Rather than speak my truth with the guidelines above, I held it in and I shut down. And I did it because of fear.
I was afraid that if I spoke my truth, my friend wouldn’t like what I had to say and he would be upset with me. Which then bred a judgment of myself of how pathetic it was that I was so worried about this. A week later, I made a commitment to myself to talk to my friend and be authentic with him.
We were eating at In-n-Out Burger in Los Angeles, sitting at a table outside.
I have learned that with these conversations, the best practice for me is to put myself on the hook by telling the person I have something I want to talk about that might be a bit uncomfortable. As I said these words to my friend, I started to get emotional even before I was able to get into the conversation. (How ridiculous, I know!)
But I’ve learned to not let my emotions stop me, I just roll with them.
So, there I am, eating a burger through my tears. My fries serve as distractions in between breaths, tears, broken sentences and my fear that this is all going to come crashing down.
And then it doesn’t.
It rarely does. Because true authenticity almost always breeds more authenticity. It’s weird that way.
My dear friend was so gracious with me as we talked it out. He even said to me clearly, “I need you to be authentic with me - because if we don’t have that, eventually resentment builds and relationships end.” We both realized how important our friendship was to each other and that the future of our relationship would be reliant on authenticity.
Authenticity requires courage for everyone involved. This could be amongst two friends, a family or a team at work, etc.
REASONS WHY AUTHENTICITY MATTERS:
You cannot have a fully trusting relationship with someone without authenticity.
The feeling of being in an authentic relationship is unparalleled.
If you aren’t being authentic, you are giving people an inauthentic or fake version of yourself. Which means you aren’t allowing yourself to be truly known.
Authenticity allows you to know where you stand with others, and vice versa.
When there is a lack of authenticity - there are a lot of “unsaid” things, which leads to distrust and frustration. This can lead to resignation or the possible dissolution of a relationship.
Authenticity and love are inextricably intertwined.
If you are putting off having an important conversation, here are some helpful tips that I use:
HOW TO STEP INTO AN AUTHENTIC CONVERSATION:
Commit to having the conversation. Tell at least one other person that you are going to have the conversation, so that you are held accountable.
Ask the other person if they are willing to have the conversation with you. Invite them into it.
Do it as soon as possible. If you can do it now, do it. If not, schedule it.
Choose to care about the other person.
Get clear on your vision/ideal outcome for the conversation - be specific.
Write the vision down, so that you are committed to it.
At the beginning of the conversation, jump in. Share your truth. (Use the guidelines above as a reference).
Don’t hold back. Go the final 10%. Be completely honest.
Stay curious. Treat the conversation like it is like an adventure. You don’t have to have all the facts and data. Some of it you will discover in the conversation itself.
Love well. Have fun. Stay with the conversation. Speak from the heart. Trust the process.
With love,
David