I sat down to think about all that I learned in the process of giving my TEDx Talk.
I learned that my capacity to be hard on myself is much much greater than I ever imagined before. I worked myself up for over 2 years telling myself that I had to get this thing perfect. I’m guessing this is why, immediately after the talk was completed - I had one of the most emotional experiences of my life. I began sobbing. I think I was just glad to be free of the pressure I had been putting on myself up until that point.
Speaking is less about saying something super innovative and more about inviting the audience into a transformative experience.
Just because I know how to talk about something and have implemented it into my life doesn’t mean I have to now be perfect at that thing forever. / I spoke about learning to dance with my dragons, and the moment I walked off stage, my dragons were still there - and I wish I could say I immediately danced with them when in reality - for a bit - they were kicking my ass. But later that night we began to dance again.
I heard a quote recently that read “I rarely like the things that make me better when they are actually happening to me.” I love that and I don’t love that. And so I shifted it into “How can I fully love and embrace the things that make me better WHEN they are actually happening to me.” Because I don’t want to wait until later to enjoy them AFTER they have made me better. I want to enjoy it all. I don’t plan to get this perfect, but it is currently transforming my world.
A few days after my talk, my sister Bethany texted me and said she had watched the talk for a 2nd time before going to work and that she cried quite a bit as she began to really understand what the talk communicated. That meant the world to me. Even if it only changed my sister’s life, I’d be so happy.
A couple of weeks after the talk, my brother Tim watched it, and he said it caused him to see things about the world and himself that he’d never seen before and that he can’t wait to talk with me more about it. Similar to my sister Bethany, if it only changed my brother’s life, I’d be full of joy.
After the talk and with realizing how much pressure I can put on myself - I decided to get back into therapy. I learned that when I reach for things beyond myself, I come up against all of these self-limiting beliefs and fears that would not occur if I just stayed in my comfort zone. And therapy has been an incredible resource in working through it all.
I learned that I must write more. I love writing and yet it is the thing I avoid the most in life. I grew up in the midwest and at the time, it wasn’t cool to be a guy who had emotions and wanted to be a writer. I’m just now beginning to embrace this side of me that longs to be a writer and a poet. There is something inside me that comes alive when I write. And it is also one of the most challenging things for me to get myself to do. So I’ve recently hired a writing coach to help me stay on top of it and get all of my thoughts down on paper and I’m really excited about it.