I hope that you have are having important conversations right now. I hope that you have been pushed outside of your comfort zone. And I hope that you have been both listening and learning.
But a time of disruption doesn’t come without difficulty. Some of these conversations will be tough.
Here are some things that I have found helpful when I find myself in difficult conversations.
Come from a place of love in your heart. Choose a heart of peace within you.
In these conversations, we can only control ourselves. We can choose a heart of peace or a heart of war. A heart of peace invites peace. A heart of war invites war. I know it can be really difficult. I intentionally set aside time for me to get myself into the place I want to be when entering tough conversations. It doesn’t guarantee a perfect outcome, but it does help. And, I realize that I think much more clearly when my heart is at peace.
Choose to care about the people you are speaking with. You can love someone as a person and still disagree with them. You don’t have to hate someone as a person in order to disagree with them.
I currently find it helpful to separate a person from their thoughts/beliefs/opinions. It allows me to love someone even when I disagree with their current thoughts, beliefs, or opinions.
Be willing to be at least 1% inaccurate in what you currently think.
If I think I am 100% accurate about something - it is essentially a claim to be God. I love to ask myself, “If I was 1% inaccurate about this, would I want to know?” I ask this question not only of myself but also of others while in conversation. If someone isn’t open to being 1% inaccurate - I don’t see the point of the conversation. For me - the point of conversation is to learn new things and expand perspective. I think it is possible to learn to enjoy being wrong. Is the point to be 100% accurate? Or is the point to wrestle with the tensions of life, people’s experiences, and perspectives towards creating a better future for all? (Additional note: if I am needing to be 100% accurate or if I think I am 100% accurate - I can’t think of a more arrogant stance for me to take). Humility is being willing to admit that I am not as smart as I think I am. Let’s all be humble together.
Speak from the heart. Speak from experience. Don’t hold back. Speak your truth.
I find it crucial to make a distinction between head and heart. When we are speaking from the head - it is more philosophical and heady and opinionated. When we speak from the heart - it is more experiential and connected to our heart and soul in the midst of things. This is a tough thing to write about - but when you experience this it makes all the difference in the world. One way to get at this is - instead of asking “What do you think about this…” - ask “How has this affected you personally…” If we can reframe questions this way - it helps us connect as people, it reminds that we are all humans trying to figure out this experiences, and it has a better chance at bringing us together to solve issues.
Be okay if things get tense. Take deep breaths. Slow things down.
I find it resourceful to assume that there will be tense moments. That is part of the wrestling and working things out amongst different people with different experiences of life. Choose to not be afraid of tension. Notice when you get upset or frustrated and learn breathing techniques to help slow things down for you. Breathing oxygenates the brain and helps us think more clearly. (If you want to learn more about how to do diffuse tension, I talked about it more in this video. Click here)
Forgive yourself and others when frustrations rise and things are said spitefully in a moment.
Even in the weeks prior to writing this - I have let my frustrations get the best of me and said things in the heat of the moment. I even essentially hung up on a person I was talking with because I got so pissed off. Although I’m not particularly proud of this, I accept that at times, my amygdala is going to get hijacked and I’m going to get upset and at times act in ways that are inconsistent with what I’d say I’m committed to as a person. And in those moments, I can choose to forgive myself (and others) and then start over and go again next time. Life is about progress, not perfection.
Resist the need to resolve everything right now. Be willing to pause conversations if/when needed. Create space. It’s okay to take breaks.
If things get tense, sometimes it is best to push through and sometimes it is best to take a break and give it some space. This allows our brains to have some space to think about things and reach new levels of clarity. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, we can become “emotionally drunk” and we all, at times, need time to sober up mentally and emotionally. Notice when you are emotionally and mentally drunk and know when you need to sober up. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is take a break.
Start over a million times a day. Change happens one conversation at a time.
Give yourself permission to start fresh in every conversation. You may have said some mean things last time or let your anger get to you. This conversation is new. You are new. Allow yourself to be new. Change happens gradually and then suddenly. I don’t have to solve all the world’s problems in this conversation. If each person grew 1% in perspective - I consider that a win. Be okay with the small wins. The small wins lead to bigger ones. Be patient.