Who Are You?

Who are you? 

I had a coach named Jon Roberts that would ask me this question at the beginning of each session. 

And for months, I didn’t quite know how to answer it. 

It is one of those questions that left me thinking “How the hell do I answer this?”

And yet, every session, he’d ask me this damn question. 

I’d get so squeamish. 

Who the fuck am I, I’d say to myself.

And then I’d put together some half-hearted response and blurt it out, followed by an awkward laugh. 

“I’m David, I’m a person who loves and believes in people.” I’d say without much belief in myself. And then I’d laugh. 

As if being David wasn’t enough or something. I didn’t know how to hold the weight of who I was. 

And then one time my coach asked me why I laughed awkwardly after answering. 

After thinking about it, I said “Because I’m worried about what you are going to think and so I’m trying to laugh it all off somehow.” 

And then he had this simple yet brilliant insight.

He said, “Notice this - when answering a question about who you are - you are more worried about what people are going to think about your answer than you are about what YOU think of your answer.”

Shit. Well that’s a fun revelation. 

So we began to do coaching work on this.

And I slowed it all down. And I got quiet and composed. 

And from then on, when he’d ask me “Who are you” - I’d pause and take a breath. 

And we worked on what way of responding was authentic for me, regardless of what others would think. 

And we came up with this simple phrase. 

“I am a human.” 

And that simple starting point was so helpful for me. 

Before this, I would always try to come up with some slick marketing glitz and glamour super catchy awesome slogan thing. And that never worked for me.

And then I began to build on, from the heart.

“I am a human. You are a human. We all are humans. And I love humans.” 

And from that base - I felt much more grounded in saying anything that came after that. 

And the biggest thing was this - I believe in it. And I didn’t care what others thought of my answer. 

And that was the most insightful part of this journey. 

To let go of what others thought, so I had a quiet space to listen to what I thought. 

Who are you? 

I am a human. You are a human. We are all humans. 

10 Ways to Not Hate People

How to not hate people and not hold hatred or contentiousness in your heart:

1. Decide what your values are for your life. For example: love, joy, happiness, peace, excitement, etc. Once you know your values - you can determine what it looks like for you to stay in alignment with your values and to live from a place of authenticity.

2. Be okay if you do experience thoughts and feelings of hatred. It is okay and it is part of life. You are a human. You can control what you do with those thoughts and feelings. 

3. Recognize and even honor the hatred. We as humans can be so hard on ourselves in so many ways. What if you could just recognize the hatred and frustration and sit with it. What if this was the best way to begin letting it go? 

4. Be kind to yourself first. Be gracious. As you go through this process - you will experience all types of mental and emotional roller coasters. Just go with it. 

5. Forgive yourself for the hatred and feelings of frustration towards others. Let go.

6. Ask yourself the question “What do I truly want ‘FOR’ this person...what do I want for them and their life, their family, their impact.” Answer honestly. Do you want them to be happy and fulfilled? Do you want them to experience joy? Do you want them to have great relationships? What do you want for them? 

7. Separate the person from your story about the person. Notice that you have thoughts and stories and judgments about the person. Take ownership for those being your thoughts. Be willing for your stories to be at least 1% wrong about the person. Be willing to let go of being fully right about what you think about others. 

8. Learn how to let go and surrender. Hold things with an open hand. 

9. Be patient. No rush. Progress over perfection. 

10. Repeat any of the steps above as needed.

Let's talk about name-calling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much name-calling has become a norm in our society. In this article, I’m going to share my thoughts on this and invite us all to commit to stop name-calling. Here is why…

Besides the fact this was something we were taught not to do when we were 3 years old…name-calling is an attack on the person themselves. And that’s just something that I don’t endorse. I seek to never attack someone personally.

If you have an issue with someone, do the work mentally to formulate words and thoughts in order to state why you disagree with them.

Name-calling is lazy.

And it destroys our humanity from the inside out.

Name-calling has 100% more to do with you than it has to do with the person you are calling a name.

100%

It is about your chosen posture of heart towards someone. You can 100% disagree with someone WITHOUT calling them a name.

I’m simply asking us all to be better.

My guess is, if you are reading this, you value love.

Does calling someone a name communicate love towards that person? In any way?

I’m committing myself and inviting us all to grow. the. heck. up.

Act like an adult.

Love people.

Agree and disagree.

Debate.

Research.

Interact Lovingly.

Have you ever been influenced by someone who was calling you names or saying hate-filled things to you?

Me. Neither.

Let’s elevate the conversation.

6 Reasons Why Authenticity Matters

Authenticity is something that is earned by, you guessed it - being authentic. 

Authentic relationships seem to be the thing that so many people want, yet aren’t willing to put in the work to bring them to life. 

Why is it that we fear being authentic with people in our lives? Why do we fear saying what is true for us in different scenarios? 

Let’s start with my current working definition of authenticity, or my “Authenticity Guidelines” if you will:

Authenticity is...

• Speaking your truth

• Speaking your truth in line with a vision of having authentic relationships 

• Speaking your truth, even when it is uncomfortable

• Speaking your truth with an immense amount of love 

• Speaking your truth while remaining open-minded and curious

• Speaking your truth while being willing to be at least 1% inaccurate about your perspective

• Speaking your truth (and listening) with a focus on gaining clarity

With these guidelines in mind, I recently became aware of how often I tend to be inauthentic. 

A couple of months ago, I had an interaction with a dear friend of mine. During that conversation, my friend said something that I immediately made up a story about, and my feelings were hurt. Rather than speak my truth with the guidelines above, I held it in and I shut down.  And I did it because of fear.

I was afraid that if I spoke my truth, my friend wouldn’t like what I had to say and he would be upset with me. Which then bred a judgment of myself of how pathetic it was that I was so worried about this. A week later, I made a commitment to myself to talk to my friend and be authentic with him. 

We were eating at In-n-Out Burger in Los Angeles, sitting at a table outside. 

I have learned that with these conversations, the best practice for me is to put myself on the hook by telling the person I have something I want to talk about that might be a bit uncomfortable. As I said these words to my friend, I started to get emotional even before I was able to get into the conversation. (How ridiculous, I know!)

But I’ve learned to not let my emotions stop me, I just roll with them. 

So, there I am, eating a burger through my tears. My fries serve as distractions in between breaths, tears, broken sentences and my fear that this is all going to come crashing down.

And then it doesn’t. 

It rarely does. Because true authenticity almost always breeds more authenticity. It’s weird that way. 

My dear friend was so gracious with me as we talked it out. He even said to me clearly, “I need you to be authentic with me - because if we don’t have that, eventually resentment builds and relationships end.” We both realized how important our friendship was to each other and that the future of our relationship would be reliant on authenticity. 

Authenticity requires courage for everyone involved. This could be amongst two friends, a family or a team at work, etc. 

REASONS WHY AUTHENTICITY MATTERS:

1. You cannot have a fully trusting relationship with someone without authenticity.

2. The feeling of being in an authentic relationship is unparalleled.

3. If you aren’t being authentic, you are giving people an inauthentic or fake version of yourself. Which means you aren’t allowing yourself to be truly known.

4. Authenticity allows you to know where you stand with others, and vice versa.

5. When there is a lack of authenticity - there are a lot of “unsaid” things, which leads to distrust and frustration. This can lead to resignation or the possible dissolution of a relationship. 

6. Authenticity and love are inextricably intertwined.

If you are putting off having an important conversation, here are some helpful tips that I use:

HOW TO STEP INTO AN AUTHENTIC CONVERSATION:

• Commit to having the conversation. Tell at least one other person that you are going to have the conversation, so that you are held accountable.

• Ask the other person if they are willing to have the conversation with you. Invite them into it. 

• Do it as soon as possible. If you can do it now, do it. If not, schedule it. 

• Choose to care about the other person. 

• Get clear on your vision/ideal outcome for the conversation - be specific.

• Write the vision down, so that you are committed to it. 

• At the beginning of the conversation, jump in. Share your truth. (Use the guidelines above as a reference). 

• Don’t hold back. Go the final 10%. Be completely honest. 

• Stay curious. Treat the conversation like it is like an adventure. You don’t have to have all the facts and data. Some of it you will discover in the conversation itself. 

• Love well. Have fun. Stay with the conversation. Speak from the heart. Trust the process.

With love,

David

4 Things I Do Before Giving Feedback

When someone asks me for feedback, I do the following 4 things:

1. I get to a place where I genuinely care about the person. This is my starting point. I don’t want to share my feedback from a place of frustration with a person. If I find that I am frustrated with them, I put that aside and make my full focus to deeply care about them and their vision.

2. I ask them to share their vision/goals with me. Without knowing a person’s vision - I don’t have a context with which to deliver my feedback. Without this context, too often I will just share with them my subjective opinions (which might be somewhat helpful). However, if I clearly know their vision, then I can contextualize my feedback. I can say “with regard to your vision - here is what I see is working and here is what I see is not working.” Now I have full license to say what I see because it is all about the person accomplishing their goals.

3. I detach from needing to be right about my feedback. I understand my feedback is simply my experience of them and their world. I let them know this going in. I explicitly say “I have no need that my thoughts and ideas be right." This allows me to focus on delivering powerful feedback freely, without worrying if I am right or wrong. I just share from my heart the things I think might be getting in the way of them accomplishing their vision. 

4. I let the person decide what they will do with the feedback. In no way do I feel entitled for the person to do anything with my feedback. They could simply keep going on as if we never talked and that would be okay. I’m simply there to share things in a loving way that might be holding them back. Maybe the feedback lands. Maybe it doesn’t. I am here to offer it up to them so they can implement whatever is resourceful for them. I share as much as they’d like me to, then I move on and let them do with it what they want.  

These 4 things have had a huge impact on how I deliver feedback as well as how well it is received. I find setting it up this way provides the best chance for success.